What you should never, ever do.

You should never buy a five-bill German vacuum, no matter how much disposable income or desire for Teutonic clean you have. Never, ever.

Because if you do, you'll end up with a cute little blue vacuum that has all the personality of a milkmaid and all the determination of a Dalek. And you will vacuum. And you'll find, as you vacuum, that there are things that you maybe might have missed vacuuming for the last four years.

Like your walls. Your walls.

Your walls, that have dog hair and cobwebs up near the ceiling. And wolf spiders as big as your thumb lurking in the baseboards. Yes, I screeched like a girl. Then I complimented Ms. Wolf Spider on her coloring and put her gently outside. But anyway.

Your Blue Teutonic Charming Vacuum will enable you to vacuum those walls, and the doors, and the tops of things that have dust on them, and then maybe the kitchen cabinets, because boyo, don't those have some dust on them? And then you'll get to the baseboards and suddenly realize that all the little delicate moldings on the mirror in the dining room probably trap dust too, so you'll vacuum that.

At this point, Max will get annoyed. You'll pull out the TV/DVD player to watch a movie, but you'll realize that those are both covered with dust, so you'll vacuum them. And then you'll think about your office, and how your desk hasn't had any glass in the windows for ages, and you'll open a bottle of wine and go vacuum the office.

Which will lead to vacuuming the bathroom walls and the storage drawer under the stove and the cabinet where you keep the rice and the utility room.

Max will have long since gone outside to get away from the eternal, infernal vacuuming, and your toenails will not be Tiffany-metallic blue, and you will have drunk a half bottle of wine without realizing it.

And then it will come to you that, in order to get the kitchen walls really clean, you must scrub them with Method spray soap and white melamine scrubby things from Target.

Which is why you should never buy a five-bill German vacuum, no matter how cute it is.

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Excuse me. I just realized I forgot to vacuum the back side of the guest room door.