REFUTE.
I'm just a-sittin' over here, refudiating everything.
By golly. (*wink*)
I got up this morning and put a flashlight into my mouth (all the more amusing if you know that the flashlight is one of those spatula-shaped ones with the LED lights and the flat handle) and shined it on Cap'n Lumpy, and said out loud, "Aagh aaaghooee aaaghooo ooo ehh ehhooo eeeee aaagheennnng *gronk*."
Translated, that means "I absolutely refuse to let you be anything nasty."
It's not denial. I understand quite clearly that this could indeed be something awful, but I cannot dwell on that and get anything done. It's more the stubbornness that comes out when somebody either tells me I can't do or shouldn't do something, or that options are limited.
So, listen up, Cap'n Lumpy: You are benign.
It's interesting to be in this position, of not knowing, that so many of my patients have been in. (What a sentence; sorry.) I'm finding that the advice I used to give in absolute cluelessness is actually pretty good. Such as, "Panic for a full 48 hours at a minimum. Once you're done panicking, you can make decisions."
And, "For God's sake stay away from Google."
I didn't do *that*, of course. Instead, I went online as soon as I got home and started looking stuff up. Then I realized that my heart was pounding and my palms were sweating, and that this was not necessarily a good thing, and I stopped. Because, really? Nine out of ten of the things you see on Google, or read about, are both absolutely textbook examples of whatever you're looking up, and also the most severe, awful textbook cases you could imagine.
It's also interesting to note that what I always used to say about paranoia is true: No matter how calm you are intellectually about something, small things will start looming large in your lizard brain and make you crazy.
F'rinstance, I woke up with a headache and stuffy sinuses this morning. Given that I'd spent the whole day yesterday alternately sobbing hysterically and swigging Scotch, this should not have been a surprise. Instead, though, of looking at stuffy sinuses and a headache as a sign of overindulgence in both panic and alcohol, I immediately figured that Cap'n Lumpy had invaded my sinuses overnight and was going to kill me in the next ten minutes.
*sigh* Geez m'knees, woman. Get a freaking grip, willya?
I have to thank everybody again for their continuing thoughts and prayers. I laid in bed this morning for a few minutes after the alarm went off, feeling really fortunate to have all you guys rallying around. So, thank you.
Provided the reputing works, and the prayers work, and I slide out of this unscathed, I will have learned about sixteen dozen gross new good lessons about all sorts of stuff. And no, I don't intend to list them all here.
If everything goes south and I do indeed have a Planet-Destroying Horrible Yikes Thing in my head, well, at least I've gotten a kicky new purple toothpaste and some free floss out of it.